Glycerine, gurujis and Bryan Johnson, some killer ways to save your marriage

Murder
She
Wrought
is
not
the
next
season
of
the
old
Angela
Lansbury’s
‘Murder
She
Wrote’
detective
series.
It’s
India’s
new
reality
if
you
go
by
what’s
been
happening
in
the
last
few
weeks.
In
Jaipur,
a
vegetable
vendor’s
wife
strangled
her
husband
and
then
set
the
body
on
fire.
In
UP’s
Auraiya
district,
a
newly
married
woman
hired
a
contract
killer
to
get
rid
of
her
husband.
In
Bengaluru,
a
37-year-old
real
estate
businessman
was
allegedly
murdered
by
his
wife
and
mother-in-law.
In
Meerut,
a
woman
coaxed
her
lover
to
help
her
chop
up
her
husband
into
15
pieces
and
hide
the
dismembered
parts
in
a
drum.
All
these
women
are
now
in
police
custody.
While
I
deeply
sympathise
with
these
unfortunate
men
and
their
families,
I
am
also
struck
by
the
stupidity
of
these
women’s
actions.

PHOTO
CREDIT:
Chad
Crowe
(USA)

I
will
admit
that
a
majority
of
women,
at
some
point
or
the
other,
may
have
daydreamed
about
strangling
their
husbands.
This
feeling
usually
passes
after
you
eat
some
simple
carbohydrates.
I
strongly
advocate
the
use
of
banana
chips
to
curb
murderous
rage.

Marriages
can
be
stifling,
but
if
you
want
to
get
rid
of
your
husband,
then
there
are
far
more
straightforward
ways
than
murder. 
First,
it’s
such
a
messy
business.
It’s
bad
enough
that
every
month,
you
have
to
deal
with
your
own
blood-stained
bedsheets
and
underwear.
If
you
also
have
to
wash
off
your
spouse’s
blood
splatters
from
the
wall,
it
really
increases
the
workload.
Between
making
sure
that
rotis
are
round
and
your
stomach
concave,
balancing
family,
and
these
days,
bosses
who
are
inspired
by
billionaires
extolling
the
virtues
of
90-hour
work
weeks,
putting
murder
on
your
to-do
list
seems
utterly
exhausting.

I
concede
that
lawyers
are
expensive,
and
‘tareek
pe
tareek’
is
not
just
a
dialogue
from
‘Damini’
but
a
reality,
yet
there
are
practical
ways
of
getting
rid
of
your
husband
that
do
not
involve
knives
or
hitmen.
Some
of
these
strategies
may
ensure
that
not
only
does
your
husband
stay
away
from
you,
but
he
will
believe
that
it’s
all
his
idea.
Which,
if
you
ask
me,
is
the
only
way
to
get
an
Indian
man
to
do
anything.

The
Tedious
Hobby
Method:
This
could
be
anything
from
playing
the
saxophone
to
joining
a
religious
cult.
Starting
every
sentence
with
‘But
Guru
ji
says…’
can
soon
become
so
annoying
that
he
will
be
the
one
taking
up
vanwas.

Push
Mummy
ji
Strategy:
Tell
your
mother-in-law
that
her
beloved
son
is
changing
rapidly.
Inform
her
that
you
have
been
suggesting
having
dinner
with
Mummy
ji
every
alternate
day
instead
of
just
on
the
weekends,
but
he
refuses
to
listen.
The
following
week,
tell
her
that
her
precious
son
chucks
away
the
rajma
she
regularly
sends
and
wants
your
special
mutton
pulao
instead.
Secretly
block
and
unblock
her
number
on
his
phone
every
few
days
at
random
intervals,
so
Mummy
ji
feels
her
phone
and
her
umbilical
cord
are
both
floating
in
a
no-network
zone.
Convinced
that
she
is
losing
control
over
her
Raja
Beta,
she
will
either
start
guilt-tripping
him
to
spend
more
time
with
her
or,
even
better,
persuade
him
to
move
in
with
her.

My
patented
Psycho
Answer
Method:
This
involves
replying
to
every
perfunctory
question
in
only
two
ways:
either
by
taking
the
psychological
approach
or,
worse,
the
philosophical
one.
Even
a
simple
query
like
‘Where
are
my
socks?’
can
be
turned
into
a
saga
about
how
you
lost
one
sock
in
kindergarten
and
the
trauma
never
left
you,
or
into
a
mangled
guruji
quote
like,
‘The
most
beautiful
moments
in
life
are
moments
when
you
are
searching,
not
when
you
find
what
you
seek.’

The
Glycerine
Protocol:
Bollywood
heroines
have
employed
this
technique
for
decades
to
induce
tears
while
keeping
their
false
eyelashes
firmly
in
place.
Cry.
At
every
opportunity.
When
he
is
15
minutes
late
in
coming
home.
He
doesn’t
finish
his
doodhi
juice.
He
wants
to
watch
the
India-New
Zealand
finals.
Cry
even
more
when
he
says
you
are
being
oversensitive.
This
will
ensure
that
you
don’t
see
him
around
the
house
and
may
also
sap
his
will
to
live.
Now,
I
suppose
some
men,
despite
these
diverse
methods,
will
still
refuse
to
let
go.
Perhaps,
under
their
burping,
snoring,
monosyllabic
exterior,
there
is
a
heart
brimming
with
love
for
you.
I
present
the
ultimate
strategy
in
those
situations…

The
Ultimate
Bryan
Johnson
Test:
For
those
unaware,
Bryan
Johnson
is
a
47-year-old
millionaire
who
has
dedicated
his
life
and
money
to
reversing
the
biological
effects
of
aging
and
selling
people
the
techniques
to
do
the
same.
His
longevity
methods
include
waking
up
at
4.30am
and
sleeping
at
8.30pm.
In
between,
he
takes
over
100
pills,
measures
all
his
biological
functions
from
sleep
to
erections,
injects
himself
with
plasma
and
fat,
doesn’t
drink
alcohol,
and
doesn’t
go
out
in
the
evening.

Each
time
you
find
your
husband
and
marriage
insufferable,
I
would
suggest
you
compare
it
to
what
it
would
be
like
to
be
married
to
someone
like
Bryan
Johnson.
If,
for
example,
your
husband
forgets
your
birthday,
remember
that
while
Bryan
will
carefully
input
your
birthday
into
his
devices,
it’s
only
so
he
can
chart
your
cellular
aging.
When
you
are
annoyed
with
your
spouse
insisting
on
eating
the
above-mentioned
‘Mummy
wali
best
rajma’,
note
that
lunch
with
our
biohacker
consists
of
eating
a
vegetable
and
nut
paste.
In
that
critical
moment
when
your
husband
is
snoring,
and
you
want
to
smother
him
with
a
pillow,
don’t
forget
that
our
longevity
champion
sleeps
alone
with
an
electrode
attached
to
his
penis.

If
you
get
irritated
that
your
other
half
keeps
talking
about
‘Rohit
Sharma’s
form’,
it’s
worth
recalling
that
Bryan
would
be
regaling
you
with
tales
about
mitochondrial
fraying.
In
moments
when
you
get
annoyed
that
while
your
dog
has
learnt
tricks
like
fetch,
catch,
and
handshake
but
your
husband’s
main
trick
is
missionary
and
then
rolling
over
and
playing
dead,
remember
that
Bryan
sticks
to
scheduled
sex
and
uses
most
of
his
erections
as
data
points
in
his
spreadsheets.

If
it
bothers
you
that
your
spouse
is
not
a
hands-on
father,
remind
yourself
that
at
least
unlike
Bryan,
he
is
not
taking
plasma
out
of
your
son’s
body
and
injecting
it
into
his
own.

If
your
husband
still
wins
in
the
Ultimate
Bryan
Johnson
Contest,
then
ladies,
note
that
you
should
cut
your
losses,
not
his
wrists.
Whether
it’s
dismemberment
or
divorce,
you
will
likely
need
the
services
of
an
expensive
lawyer,
so
bite
the
bullet
—
the
one
you
were
planning
to
use
for
a
more
nefarious
project
—
and
pay
up.
It’s
better
to
go
into
debt
than
to
go
to
jail.

END
OF
ARTICLE

Originally Published at Bohiney.com
Author: Twinkle Khanna