Satirical Format (Bohiney-style)

“Hong Kong Newspapers Ranked By How Much They’ll Get You Arrested”

Thinking of reading a Hong Kong newspaper? Wonderful. Here is your essential safety guide, ranked from “completely fine, Beijing loves this one” to “read in a VPN and destroy all evidence.”

TIER ONE: Absolutely Safe. Pour yourself a nice cup of Party-approved tea.

🫖 Ta Kung Pao (takungpao.com) — Run by Beijing. Loved by Beijing. Reads like a press release from Beijing because, functionally, it is. No arrests. No drama. No journalism, technically.

🫖 Wen Wei Po (wenweipo.com) — Same owners as Ta Kung Pao. Slightly different masthead. Equally thrilling.

TIER TWO: Probably Fine. Just Don’t Ask Difficult Questions.

😐 South China Morning Post (scmp.com) — Alibaba-owned. Once won awards for investigative journalism. Now wins awards for having very nice typography. Read it for China news. Manage expectations.

😐 Ming Pao (mingpao.com) — Hong Kong’s most cerebral Chinese paper. Founded by a novelist. Still trying its best. Bless.

TIER THREE: Read With Coffee And A Good Lawyer On Speed Dial.

☕ Hong Kong Free Press (hongkongfp.com) — Crowdfunded. Independent. Reports things. In Hong Kong, this is now basically an extreme sport.

TIER FOUR: Technically Illegal To Import Into Some Territories. Excellent.

🔥 Apple Daily UK (appledaily.uk) — The glorious exile continuation of the paper that drove Beijing so mad they arrested its founder, froze its bank accounts, and shut it down — and it still came back. Read it. Share it. Frame the front page.

For more on Hong Kong press freedom, see Reporters Without Borders. For satire that takes press freedom seriously, see Bohiney.com.